I HUNGER FOR GOLDEN PUFFS!

You know that comic book The Fantastic Four? The Thing. Human Torch. Invisible Woman. All that. Remember Galactus? Giant purple space god who eats planets?
…
People in New York have been text messaging photos of a giant purple space god eating our planet. Starting with New York. Apparently he likes the taste of theme bars.

sigh

er, this morning I’m eating a bowl of Golden Puffs (they’re like Golden Crisp, which used to be called Sugar Smacks, but they cost seventy-five cents at Big Lots) and checking Facebook. My friend Kevin’s status reads “Kevin is watching a giant purple space god eating the planet.” And then there’s an accompanying picture of a giant purple space god eating the planet. I open a tab and check Yahoo and, sure enough, there’s lots of to-do about the end of the world. I plug my phone into the charger and there’s a bunch of text messages about the end of the world and mom leaving all sorts of voice mail, telling me I never call her and the world is coming to an end without her having any grandkids and blah blah blah. I open my blinds and the weather is weird. Lots of colorful wind, like currents of energy moving west toward New York. Trees are being uprooted and the ground is fissuring open. It looks like Earth is hurling spears of energy toward New York, but I guess they’re more like broccoli spears than pointy spears. (Hello, end of the world? These are some puns! You are welcome!) You can hear it. Loud, high-pitched screaming, as if air itself could emote. Apparently, these are symptoms of the end of the world. It feels like one of those odd things you learn, but never need to apply again, like, uh, something. Maybe Galactus is also draining me of my cleverness.

Turning on CNN, I see some crazy footage of this giant purple space god with his giant purple space kilt and giant purple two-pronged space helmet and giant planet-eating space machines. Damn. Look at that. There’s something you don’t see every day, or ever again. Thank God the Pentagon has sent the Air Force! I guess the White House needs to put up a good front. I guess. It’s not like they need to impress anyone for the next election. Because there is no next election. Nor is there a tomorrow. Nor is there a Fantastic Four. Apparently, we’re one of those example planets that has to be devoured before the audience meets the planet that stands a fighting chance. I can’t imagine what must be going through the mind of one of the Air Force pilots, to stare into the eye of a hungry god and then launch a missile into it. That is some hardcore military basic training right there. Rather than spend the last day on Earth with his family, that pilot is throwing ice cubes at the Sun.
And then that fleet of aircraft just vaporized.
I guess I just found out what goes through the minds an Air Force pilot starring into the eyes of a hungry god.
Anything that hungry god wants!
HEY-OH!

Ahhh…
I check the blogrolls on Fark. CrooksandLiars believes that the U.S. Air Force strike over New York City is an irresponsible and impeachable offense. National Review blames the coming of Galactus on the homosexual agenda.

I open that expensive bottle of bourbon I’ve been saving since graduation for something awesome. Well, here’s to not ever getting married or having kids! Ideally, I’d like to go out masturbating to Briana Banks, but, well, I doubt I could get an erection at a time like this.

I check MySpace and some teenager in Missouri has posted a bulletin denouncing Galactus as a faggot. U.S.A. #1! Take that, National Review!

The Galactus Wikipedia page is blowing up. Nerds have their comeuppance! Unfortunately, it’s on the last day of life as we know it, so it’s a bittersweet victory.

I bet there’s a whole lot of people on Earth right now thinking they spent their lives worshipping the wrong giant space god.

CNN has a tickertape notice about store lootings and general nonsensical mayhem. Apparently, poor people want to watch the apocalypse on a really nice, big, high def plasma televisions.

The world map on CNN goes insane, with landmasses curling upward toward New York, like he is bending the world toward his mouth. The world is flat again.

I put the bottle to my lips.
And then the TV cable pops out with my innerwebs connection.
And then the power goes down.
And then