(because I dreamt of zombies 2 nights in a row)

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? I never said it was a zombie. I mean, I could see how someone might think it was a zombie, but do I actually think it was actually a zombie? No. Not unless you want to get into a debate about crack addicts being, quite literally, the living/walking dead. When it comes down to it, I think it was just a crackhead. Standing there in the middle of the street, at the end of the exit ramp, just looking to get hit. I didn't hit her, though, more like she hit me, you know, like how they say half the time deer get hit by cars except that what really happens is the deer is just running, running, and (boom) smashes into the side of your car. Nothing the driver can do about it.

I hit the brakes because I saw her, or I saw someone, something in the road, and I slowed down, and she was doing this weird jig and then she turned and, I mean, yeah, I've watched a few horror movies in my day but there was something feral behind her eyes, inhuman like with costume makeup and special effects, trick lighting or whatever. Her hair was wild, kind of Tina Turner meets Labyrinth-era David Bowie, and she started clawing at the lights and the grille, all but throwing herself on the hood as I came to a stop. Reminded me of some TV program I watched about a kid who was locked in the basement his whole life with rats and when they found him he was like an animal, possessed by urges we right-thinking folks could never comprehend. She was like that, clawing and climbing on the hood, which I’d only just had fixed from all of those acorns dropping on it last fall when I had to park in the street under that big oak tree, I’d just had the dings hammered out and she was looking good (the car, not the crackhead).

And you know how in every horror movie at the height of the suspense the people do something amazingly stupid, like split up or fall down or enter a dark room or hallway or whatever, and just like them I did my own stupid thing.

Me, always the Good Samaritan, always trying to help, and you know what? I get shit on, every time, and you'd think I'd stop being so good, but no siree, that's just who I am: a nice guy. I rolled down the window partway and yelled out, "Hey there, you all right?" and must've given her a fright, because she jumped straight up, catlike, and spun around and glared at me through the windshield. The particular bent of her elbows as she reached up then out made me think of a spider dressed in chewed-up clothes.

I yelled again, "Hey!" but she carried on, and like I said, I'm a nice guy, but I'm not always as patient as I could be. I'm aware of it, I try sometimes to work on it, to better myself, you know, but at this point, my impatience was growing and I beeped the horn. Lightning-fast she was at my window, so quick I didn’t see a flash in the headlights, and she was reaching in, her fingers slipping through the opening, her nails clicking and clacking on the glass, like a crab clawing its way around a tank. The lady, now that she was so close, had a real bad smell, and her skin was gray, graying, and she looked unwell, like she needed immediate medical attention.

Everything inside me was telling me to just hit the gas and drive off, you know, none of my business and best not to get involved and whatnot, but still I wanted to help her if I could. She was increasingly irate, and I thought she might break my window, so I grabbed my phone and dialed 911, but it was busy. Can you imagine that? You ever call 911 and get a busy signal before? Crazy!

I was just plain dumbfounded but I'd be damned if I'd let this wacko wreck my window, so I said, "Excuse me," but she didn't stop, so I hit the up button, sliding the glass window shut. She was slow to pull away, getting her fingertips caught, but she managed to yank them loose, all but one. The window mechanism groaned then closed all the way, the topmost knuckle of her pointer finger on her left hand popping off and landing in my lap. The lady, who evidently was feeling no pain, made no sound, did not cry out, and I was sickened a little and she started pounding on the glass ferociously, and I looked down at that little gray nub and saw that there was no blood, it was a clean break, as though bending off the coarse end of an asparagus stalk. I put the car in drive and slowly inched away, trying not to look at her groping and clawing at the car, and instead fiddling with the radio, but nothing came in clearly, stupid piece of crap radio, never did work right.

I heard a thud behind me when she threw herself onto the trunk, but she couldn't hold on as I sped off. I was worried that she'd still be there, clinging to the tailpipe when I got home, like when I was a kid and a praying mantis had wound itself around the car’s antenna, hanging on for its life, and I begged my father to pull over, but he wouldn't, not worth stopping for some dumb bug. But that dumb bug, with its long spindly legs, held on and held on and made it all the way to school, and I hopped out and gently plucked the delicate creature off the antenna and set it in the grass. So relieved it was still alive, though probably it was never the same again. Unlike the praying mantis, the lady must've fallen off around one of the sharper turns.

I left her alone somewhere in the darkness, and was shaking my head over it, confused, when I felt a pang near my, uh, groin, and again; it didn't hurt but it was more than a little distracting while I drove. Pulling over was NOT an option, so I flopped my hand around down there, couldn't figure it out. In my driveway I switched off the engine and flipped on the overhead light and, I shit you not, that little gray nub of a fingertip was jumping around, poking me.

Don't believe me? I've got it right here. I carry it around everywhere I go. Here, take it out if you want. It’s only a fingertip, can’t hurt you. No? You sure? Okay, then. It’s just a fingertip in a jar. I never said it was a zombie fingertip. I never said it was a zombie at all.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? I never said it was a zombie.